I’ll Sit With You In The Dark

It was 3 am. White noise screamed in my ears. Besides the small glaring red light of a baby monitor I was engulfed in darkness. My body was so tired my bones ached. All this as I held onto a small tiny human praying for him to sleep. The five hours before I had beenContinue reading “I’ll Sit With You In The Dark”

You and Me, Kid

To my Johnny, I can see it now; The chaos, the fear, the love, the moment you entered the world. It was 10:31pm and the room was full. Nurses and staff running about, Dad, Grammy and your Aunt Shauna cheering with joy, machines beeping and a baby crying. In a strangely unceremonious way you wereContinue reading “You and Me, Kid”

Worry vs Wonder

Oh to wonder. I miss it. It’s a little over a year since my six year old son, Johnny, was diagnosed with autism and I can’t even imagine wondering about his future. From the beginning of pregnancy up until age two I wondered a lot. Who’d he be, where life would take, everything a parentContinue reading “Worry vs Wonder”

The Fix by Six?

Last night per usual Johnny had a hard time falling asleep. Calming his body into rest is not an easy task for him. Usually I try to deny his sweet requests for a million hugs and try to remind him it’s not the time to run, giggle, or sing. But on this cold January night,Continue reading “The Fix by Six?”

Where were you?

I didn’t know you. We were always together,  I fed you from my body, then my hands,  I bathed you, I changed you, I’ve always loved you. But you were somewhere else. Where were you? My son Johnny is now five years old. He is autistic. And I feel like I did not really know him forContinue reading “Where were you?”

Sorrow, Sadness, Hope

Grief is usually a word associated with death.  A deep pain and sorrow that stabs at the heart. A mourning. I think that’s why a lot of people take issue with parents of autistic, or other special needs children, saying they had to grieve when they found out. How can you grieve for your living child?Continue reading “Sorrow, Sadness, Hope”