To my little boy,
You probably know by now, but your mom is a crier. I cry a lot. I cry when embarrassed, when frustrated, when sad, even when I’m happy.
I have cried for you many times.
I remember crying on the car ride home when you cried in the corner the whole time in the nursery at church. When the little girl at the zoo called you the “mean weird boy”. One day holding back tears when we were standing in the preschool drop off line and one of your classmates was talking to her dad on the phone.
I really cried when the doctor mentioned autism, after every evaluation, and when we got the diagnosis.
I just want you to know these tears aren’t your fault or bad.
In nursery, I wanted to make it easier on you and did not know how. I cried after the zoo because I hate it when others are mean to you. In the preschool line I was jealous that the little girl’s parents got to hear her voice.
When it comes to autism I cry for many reasons.
I cried because I didn’t know if I was worthy to be your mom, if I could advocate, and if I should have done more before. I also, was scared of the world for you. This world can be hard and cruel to the people it’s built for, I was not sure it was built for you. It’s loud, fast, and expectant.
Now I realize that I have to be the change with you. I get to be your mom so I have to advocate, do all I can, and make the world a better place for you. Behind those tears are a love for my son. My son has made me a stronger and better person, who yes, still cries but more and more they are tears of joy.
I cry at all the amazing things you do. Just the other day because you asked in a full sentence to watch a movie. My eyes welled when you hit a baseball and were so proud of yourself. I even cried when you tried to make me smell your feet. The happy tears make everything else worth it.
My tears mean I care about and love you so much. You are worth all my tears.